How to Deal With "Toxic Titas" During the Holidays, According To A Filipina Therapist
đ” It's beginning to look a lot like tsismis! đ”
Welcome to Pearl, a bi-weekly newsletter dedicated to Filipinas and their beauty journeys. Read more about its mission here.
As we enter the season of big family gatherings and holiday parties, Iâm reminded of a video I saw from Filipino comedian Jeppy Paraiso years ago called âFilipino Titas on Christmas Be LikeâŠâ In it, he depicts a Filipino auntie in all her shady glory, doling out passive aggressive commentary, pining about getting gifted âLVâ (Louis Vuitton), and sealing it all with a boisterous laugh. The skit is both hilarious and scarily accurate. This one comment from the video stuck out to me most:
âMy god, youâre eating again? Why donât you get a salad? Thereâs a salad there! You get some, go, go! âŠAnd then you get me some more lechon, okay?â Itâs delivered with a judgmental tone â one everyone reading this may know all too well. On the surface youâre hearing, âWhy donât you get a salad?â Below the surface, theyâre saying âYou need to lose weight/I think youâre too big/You fall outside my expected standards of beauty.â The hypocrisy over the Tita asking for lechon (a more indulgent dish) just makes the suggestion sting even more.
A seemingly harmless comment like that from a family member at the Christmas buffet table used to send meâsomeone who struggles with body image issuesâspiraling. Even something intended as a compliment (âDid you get skinnier, Kristina? Wow! You could be Miss Universe!â) or comments about someone else (âDoesnât so-and-so look beautiful now? Sheâs lost a little weight!â) would suck me into another black hole because it made me hyperaware that my physical appearance not only mattered, but was being monitored. Thanks to years of therapy, Iâm better able to manage how much I let this affect me.
In this newsletter, my aim is to highlight Filipinas' beauty journeys. âBeautyâ can be defined in many ways, and for me, itâs inextricably tied to mental health. The holidays can be a joyous time, but they can also be difficult. Perhaps you have family members who constantly comment about your weight. Maybe youâre getting inquiries into your love life, your career choices, your religious beliefs, or maybe youâre feeling forced to perform a âhappy familyâ facade when you feel estranged. If any of these apply to you, you are not alone.Â
I reached out to Therese Mascardo, PsyD, (aka Dr. Therese) a Filipina-American licensed clinical psychologist to get her advice for coping with triggers during the holidays. Consider this your cheat sheet! I hope you find her advice helpful â I certainly did.
If you get an unsolicited comment from a family member on your weight, body, or looksâŠ
Dr. Therese suggests a handful of ways to handle this, starting with reframing the comment to reduce its impact on you. âInstead of thinking âsheâs insulting me,â or âIâm not good enough,â receive it as, âSheâs trying to connect with me,ââ Dr. Therese says. Flip the comment so you donât feel attacked by instead telling yourself, âThis is learned behavior and it has no bearing on my value or self-worth,â Dr. Therese advises. âYou may choose to receive these comments with the spirit with which they are intended â a desire to connect.âÂ
Alternatively, you could ignore the comment and change the subject. Start asking them questions about their holidays or travel plans, for example. Or, you could turn to other family for support. âIâve created plans with clients to ask for help from loved onesâfor example, asking their mom to contact their Titas specifically and ask them not to comment on weight or appearance,â Dr. Therese says. If all else fails, just be direct and say âNo unsolicited comments about my body, please. But, Iâd be happy to talk about [insert topic here]!â
If a family member questions or is dismissive about your life choicesâŠ
Whether someone is asking about you being single, pursuing a ânon-traditionalâ career, being vegan, or deciding not to have kids, there can be a sense of entitlement over information about your life that can be challenging to navigate. âFilipino families donât often have an implicit sense of respecting boundaries,â Dr. Therese says. âThere can be a cultural value for a preferred or ârightâ way of living life which includes perfect grades, a career in medicine or law, or perhaps the acquisition of a Louis Vuitton bag.â (Again, with the Louis Vuitton!!)
In moments where you feel a bit cornered, Dr. Therese says it can be helpful to remember âour elders often came from a culture that faced a lot of poverty and self-sacrifice, so thereâs an inherent concern that our material needs are being met from a survival standpoint,â she explains. However, if it is infringing on your peace, âgive yourself permission to draw the line.â You can do that by, again, changing the subject, or turning it around and asking questions back. âWhat are you most happy or proud about these days, Tito? Howâs your marriage doing? How are your kids?â Lastly, shift focus to what you would prefer to talk about or feel more comfortable discussing. âRemember, no oneâs approval of your life choices is more important than your own,â Dr. Therese says.
If you donât feel close to your family and would rather not spend time with them during the holidaysâŠ.
Filipino culture is deeply rooted in valuing family. As ideal as it would be to have a tightly knit one, thatâs not always the case for everyone. âThis is so difficult as I know many of us are wired to care a lot about doing what makes our families happy. If you tend to be a people pleaser (like me!) Iâd encourage you to give yourself permission to celebrate this season according to your own values, and in the most life-giving way for you. Itâs okay if thatâs not family,â Dr. Therses says. âThere may be feelings of grief or sadness if your family isnât what youâd hoped, so it may be helpful to share these feelings with a friend or a therapist.â
As for declining an invitation to attend an event you donât want to go, âdonât feel pressured to over explain yourself,â Dr. Therese says. â Just say, âIâm so sorry I canât attend and I really hope the party goes well!â If they have a hard time respecting your ânoâ that usually says more about them than it does about you.â
If youâre feeling pressured to participate in a round of tsismis (gossip)... Â
Holiday parties, especially with so many personalities in the room and drinks flowing, can be a ripe environment for gossiping. Dr. Thereseâs advice is âjust walk away.â You can excuse yourself to go to the restroom, or say you need to refill your food plate. âYou can also change the subject or shift focus onto something else at the party. âWow, did you try Lolaâs leche flan yet? Itâs incredible!ââ It can feel difficult but if all else fails, just remain silent,â Dr. Therese says.
If you donât feel comfortable attending Christmas mass or participating in other religious activitiesâŠ
Itâs no secret the Philippines is a very Catholic country (one stat I read was itâs more than 86%!), and itâs embedded in the culture. There can be an expectation for you to uphold a faith you were raised inâand sometimes, that means being forced to participate in religious activities you donât identify with. âThe truth is that forcing someone to spirituality in a specific way will usually send them running in the other direction,â Dr. Therese says. The key here is to establish boundaries. That starts with being honest: Tell your parents/aunts/uncles or whoever is asking you to participate that you prefer not to go. And, if you keep being asked, consider leaving the event, Dr. Therese suggests. âNone of these things may feel easy to say, and setting boundaries with family can really feel difficult because we fear theyâll be upset or give us the silent treatment,â she says. âJust remember that healthy relationships donât manipulate us to do what they want.â
âRemember that healthy relationships donât manipulate us to do what they want.â â Therese Mascardo, PsyD
If you live far away from loved ones or otherwise are feeling lonely around the holidaysâŠ
Itâs not uncommon as Filipinos to have family and friends spread across the world working and living in different countries. If you are feeling a bit isolated, Dr. Therese says âseeking perspective is key.â Focus on helping others with volunteering, supporting friends, baking cookies for someone whoâd appreciate themâhowever youâd like to give back. âThese can all offer a meaningful perspective shift from feeling helpless to empowered,â she says. Next, take a moment to appreciate what you do have instead of focusing on what you donât have. Show gratitude for the people you feel connected to who do live close by, or if youâre missing food from home make a dish, or schedule video calls. She adds, âI tell my clients who find themselves in this situation, âJust because itâs not the holiday you hoped for, doesnât mean it canât still be great.ââ
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Links Iâm Loving:
This week, H.E.R. brings Princess Belle to life! Are you tuning in? I love that her costume features her name spelled in baybayin, a pre-colonial Filipino writing system. What a special touch!
Filipino chef Jordan Andino (New Yorkers will know his restaurant Flip Sigi) has his own Netflix show! Heâs hosting Cook at All Costs which looks like the exact show Iâd binge-watch during that quiet week between Christmas and New Yearâs. I live for a cooking reality show. (PS â if you want to see him cook, check his episode on Selena Gomezâs show Selena + Chef).
Bretman Rock is publishing a memoir and I CANâT WAIT to read all of it.
Ayn Bernosâone of my favorite people to follow on TikTok, founder of Morena the Label, and former Miss Philippines contestant, gets really candid about how competing in the pageant affected her body image in this YouTube video. Itâs incredibly enlightening, especially since Filipinos are big on beauty pageants but never really talk about its impact behind the scenes. I really want to interview her for my newsletter â coming soon, I hope!
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With love,
Kristina