How to Deal With "Toxic Titas" During the Holidays, According To A Filipina Therapist
🎵 It's beginning to look a lot like tsismis! 🎵
Welcome to Pearl, a bi-weekly newsletter dedicated to Filipinas and their beauty journeys. Read more about its mission here.
As we enter the season of big family gatherings and holiday parties, I’m reminded of a video I saw from Filipino comedian Jeppy Paraiso years ago called “Filipino Titas on Christmas Be Like…” In it, he depicts a Filipino auntie in all her shady glory, doling out passive aggressive commentary, pining about getting gifted “LV” (Louis Vuitton), and sealing it all with a boisterous laugh. The skit is both hilarious and scarily accurate. This one comment from the video stuck out to me most:
“My god, you’re eating again? Why don’t you get a salad? There’s a salad there! You get some, go, go! …And then you get me some more lechon, okay?” It’s delivered with a judgmental tone – one everyone reading this may know all too well. On the surface you’re hearing, “Why don’t you get a salad?” Below the surface, they’re saying “You need to lose weight/I think you’re too big/You fall outside my expected standards of beauty.” The hypocrisy over the Tita asking for lechon (a more indulgent dish) just makes the suggestion sting even more.
A seemingly harmless comment like that from a family member at the Christmas buffet table used to send me–someone who struggles with body image issues–spiraling. Even something intended as a compliment (“Did you get skinnier, Kristina? Wow! You could be Miss Universe!”) or comments about someone else (“Doesn’t so-and-so look beautiful now? She’s lost a little weight!”) would suck me into another black hole because it made me hyperaware that my physical appearance not only mattered, but was being monitored. Thanks to years of therapy, I’m better able to manage how much I let this affect me.
In this newsletter, my aim is to highlight Filipinas' beauty journeys. “Beauty” can be defined in many ways, and for me, it’s inextricably tied to mental health. The holidays can be a joyous time, but they can also be difficult. Perhaps you have family members who constantly comment about your weight. Maybe you’re getting inquiries into your love life, your career choices, your religious beliefs, or maybe you’re feeling forced to perform a “happy family” facade when you feel estranged. If any of these apply to you, you are not alone.
I reached out to Therese Mascardo, PsyD, (aka Dr. Therese) a Filipina-American licensed clinical psychologist to get her advice for coping with triggers during the holidays. Consider this your cheat sheet! I hope you find her advice helpful – I certainly did.
If you get an unsolicited comment from a family member on your weight, body, or looks…
Dr. Therese suggests a handful of ways to handle this, starting with reframing the comment to reduce its impact on you. “Instead of thinking ‘she’s insulting me,’ or ‘I’m not good enough,’ receive it as, ‘She’s trying to connect with me,’” Dr. Therese says. Flip the comment so you don’t feel attacked by instead telling yourself, “This is learned behavior and it has no bearing on my value or self-worth,” Dr. Therese advises. “You may choose to receive these comments with the spirit with which they are intended – a desire to connect.”
Alternatively, you could ignore the comment and change the subject. Start asking them questions about their holidays or travel plans, for example. Or, you could turn to other family for support. “I’ve created plans with clients to ask for help from loved ones–for example, asking their mom to contact their Titas specifically and ask them not to comment on weight or appearance,” Dr. Therese says. If all else fails, just be direct and say “No unsolicited comments about my body, please. But, I’d be happy to talk about [insert topic here]!”
If a family member questions or is dismissive about your life choices…
Whether someone is asking about you being single, pursuing a “non-traditional” career, being vegan, or deciding not to have kids, there can be a sense of entitlement over information about your life that can be challenging to navigate. “Filipino families don’t often have an implicit sense of respecting boundaries,” Dr. Therese says. “There can be a cultural value for a preferred or ‘right’ way of living life which includes perfect grades, a career in medicine or law, or perhaps the acquisition of a Louis Vuitton bag.” (Again, with the Louis Vuitton!!)
In moments where you feel a bit cornered, Dr. Therese says it can be helpful to remember “our elders often came from a culture that faced a lot of poverty and self-sacrifice, so there’s an inherent concern that our material needs are being met from a survival standpoint,” she explains. However, if it is infringing on your peace, “give yourself permission to draw the line.” You can do that by, again, changing the subject, or turning it around and asking questions back. “What are you most happy or proud about these days, Tito? How’s your marriage doing? How are your kids?” Lastly, shift focus to what you would prefer to talk about or feel more comfortable discussing. “Remember, no one’s approval of your life choices is more important than your own,” Dr. Therese says.
If you don’t feel close to your family and would rather not spend time with them during the holidays….
Filipino culture is deeply rooted in valuing family. As ideal as it would be to have a tightly knit one, that’s not always the case for everyone. “This is so difficult as I know many of us are wired to care a lot about doing what makes our families happy. If you tend to be a people pleaser (like me!) I’d encourage you to give yourself permission to celebrate this season according to your own values, and in the most life-giving way for you. It’s okay if that’s not family,” Dr. Therses says. “There may be feelings of grief or sadness if your family isn’t what you’d hoped, so it may be helpful to share these feelings with a friend or a therapist.”
As for declining an invitation to attend an event you don’t want to go, “don’t feel pressured to over explain yourself,” Dr. Therese says. “ Just say, ‘I’m so sorry I can’t attend and I really hope the party goes well!’ If they have a hard time respecting your “no” that usually says more about them than it does about you.”
If you’re feeling pressured to participate in a round of tsismis (gossip)...
Holiday parties, especially with so many personalities in the room and drinks flowing, can be a ripe environment for gossiping. Dr. Therese’s advice is “just walk away.” You can excuse yourself to go to the restroom, or say you need to refill your food plate. “You can also change the subject or shift focus onto something else at the party. ‘Wow, did you try Lola’s leche flan yet? It’s incredible!’” It can feel difficult but if all else fails, just remain silent,” Dr. Therese says.
If you don’t feel comfortable attending Christmas mass or participating in other religious activities…
It’s no secret the Philippines is a very Catholic country (one stat I read was it’s more than 86%!), and it’s embedded in the culture. There can be an expectation for you to uphold a faith you were raised in–and sometimes, that means being forced to participate in religious activities you don’t identify with. “The truth is that forcing someone to spirituality in a specific way will usually send them running in the other direction,” Dr. Therese says. The key here is to establish boundaries. That starts with being honest: Tell your parents/aunts/uncles or whoever is asking you to participate that you prefer not to go. And, if you keep being asked, consider leaving the event, Dr. Therese suggests. “None of these things may feel easy to say, and setting boundaries with family can really feel difficult because we fear they’ll be upset or give us the silent treatment,” she says. “Just remember that healthy relationships don’t manipulate us to do what they want.”
“Remember that healthy relationships don’t manipulate us to do what they want.” – Therese Mascardo, PsyD
If you live far away from loved ones or otherwise are feeling lonely around the holidays…
It’s not uncommon as Filipinos to have family and friends spread across the world working and living in different countries. If you are feeling a bit isolated, Dr. Therese says “seeking perspective is key.” Focus on helping others with volunteering, supporting friends, baking cookies for someone who’d appreciate them–however you’d like to give back. “These can all offer a meaningful perspective shift from feeling helpless to empowered,” she says. Next, take a moment to appreciate what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Show gratitude for the people you feel connected to who do live close by, or if you’re missing food from home make a dish, or schedule video calls. She adds, “I tell my clients who find themselves in this situation, ‘Just because it’s not the holiday you hoped for, doesn’t mean it can’t still be great.’”
Product Spotlight: Menu Beauty Lashes
I’ve already done a whole video on this Asian-founded lash brand, but I can’t stop talking about them! I’m obsessed with the lashes – they’re amazing quality, wispy and more natural-looking. Plus, I feel like they’re truly made for Asian eyes because I never have to trim them or have an awkward fit. I’ve been wearing them a ton, especially amidst the holiday season. Definitely stock up on these (they’re reusable too!)
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Links I’m Loving:
This week, H.E.R. brings Princess Belle to life! Are you tuning in? I love that her costume features her name spelled in baybayin, a pre-colonial Filipino writing system. What a special touch!
Filipino chef Jordan Andino (New Yorkers will know his restaurant Flip Sigi) has his own Netflix show! He’s hosting Cook at All Costs which looks like the exact show I’d binge-watch during that quiet week between Christmas and New Year’s. I live for a cooking reality show. (PS – if you want to see him cook, check his episode on Selena Gomez’s show Selena + Chef).
Bretman Rock is publishing a memoir and I CAN’T WAIT to read all of it.
Ayn Bernos–one of my favorite people to follow on TikTok, founder of Morena the Label, and former Miss Philippines contestant, gets really candid about how competing in the pageant affected her body image in this YouTube video. It’s incredibly enlightening, especially since Filipinos are big on beauty pageants but never really talk about its impact behind the scenes. I really want to interview her for my newsletter – coming soon, I hope!
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With love,
Kristina